Hookups 101: What you won’t learn from society

We all know the story: Girl goes to the bar looking for a good time (and possibly more), only to find a sardine can full of drunk horny men who have never been taught the correct way to treat a lady. So instead of a good time, the girl leaves feeling objectified, lonely, and intoxicated with the idea that all men suck, that she will remain lonely for the rest of her life, and a little more bigoted towards the far too many under expressed, lonely, sexually frustrated men of our society.

We all know the story: Boy goes to the bar looking for sex (and possibly a good time), only to find an empty room, with possibly one or two shallow women, who are impossible to engage because they (rightly so) fear that engagement will only be another old story of disrespect, objectification, and a taxing discourse from the lesser sex. Boy leaves feeling intoxicated by sexual frustrations, rejection, loneliness, emptiness, and anger from not understanding why he is incapable of engaging a women in a fulfilling way. This also makes him a little more bigoted towards the far too many berated, objectified, fearful women of our society.

I have a message for you: You are doing it wrong. I was in conversation with my brother a few nights ago over a glass of wine, and we landed on this very subject when an idea popped into my head: Women would be much safer at my local dungeon than at the bar.

Reading that may shock a few of my readers. Let me explain. I have been part of the kink scene for a number of years where I live. I entered the scene as most people do: looking for something else, something new, some different way to express my sexuality. What I found (on top of that), is a group of very kind, loving, decent, caring, and passionate people. What is the first thing you learn in any dungeon / kink group?

• Consent, and what it truly means.
• How to say “No” (and mean it).
• How to accept “No” from someone else, and be okay with that.
• Safety (in all aspects).

Any healthy kink group will have these simple values at their core, and they stick to them religiously. In my local dungeon I have witnessed countless times scenes where a man will approach a completely naked women, only for her to say “No”, and for the guy to walk away respectfully, not feeling crushed or frustrated (and not gawking, touching, objectifying, berating, or getting angry at the completely naked woman before him). I have also seen many times the opposite: a man approaches a woman, and asks politely for what he desires, woman is excited or turned on by this, so they start a discussion, lay healthy boundaries, keep open communication going, understand the importance of consent, and have an amazing and fulfilling sexual experience where both parties are uplifted, and leave feeling a little better about the opposite sex. It also is a more helpful environment where both sexes are curious and will approach the opposite (or same) sex… meaning women also ask men for things, and approach men (way less one-sided).

Wait, so what is going on here? How is it that the local dungeon is a way safer and uplifting experience than the normal bar-hookup? It is simple really. Society sees sex as something taboo, not to be talked about, and god forbid asked for. Secondly, the men and women of our society are not taught how to properly communicate their desires, and most importantly, their rejections.

Consent is crucial, always, and an intoxicated person can not fully give consent: http://boodaism.com/permission/

I feel the vicious tail-spin of frustrated society in objectifying women and looking for sex like a ninja looks for their next assassination target is nothing more than a side-effect of ill-taught, sexually frustrated people who don’t understand each other, how to accept and be okay with being rejected, or even how to properly communicate with their follow person.

Sex is like food; we all starve for it. Sex is not bad; we all need it. Nothing is wrong with expressing your sexuality (whatever that is); I give you permission. What our society needs is a lot more good consensual sex, with open communication, direct conversation, and the occasional perfectly normal and perfectly acceptable “No”.

Next time you are hungry, skip the bar and sign up at your local dungeon or kink group, make certain to get consent first from whomever, have clearly defined boundaries, be safe, and leave for home intoxicated with a fulfilling feeling of peacefully, lovingly, and openly enjoying the body and soul of another beautiful human being.

In closing I leave you with another good article on consent: https://www.bustle.com/articles/150836-how-a-cuddle-party-changed-the-way-i-view-consent